For years, there has been an elephant in our nation’s living-room. Despite its looming presence, we have buried our head in the sand and chosen to ignore it. But now the stench of its steaming excrement, filling the room, is making our blissful ignorance impossible. Our beast is a malignant obsession with sports, ravishing the souls of our citizens, leaving them fetish ridden, abused, and addicted, in a realm of fantasy. Its reach is insidious, attacking our weakest brothers and sisters—those who find it impossible to entertain themselves.
Billions of dollars are spent on brainwashing the naive, indoctrinating them with the belief that children’s games-(played by adults, otherwise unable to do much else)-should be our primary focus, and purpose for living in this troubled world. The results are lost souls, driven to such moronic exhibitions of “team spirit”, that a shows such as, “Jackass”, would be reluctant to consider them for possible contestants on their program.
To put it bluntly, those that worship before the golden calf of sport have been duped. The sacred cow’s thin veneer of gold flakes away revealing paper-mache, hollow, filled with nothing but gluttony, excess, and greed.
But there is hope. Rehabilitation through Cow-tipping is a promising path to the recovery of mental health. Cow-tipping is an art in itself, the origins of which, have been lost in the shadows and mists of time. However, we can find historical evidence of possible antecedents.
In 1255, Louis IX of France gave an elephant to Henry III of England–an addition to the zoo he maintained in the Tower of London. A contemporary historian of the time, Mathew Paris, drew from life for his work, “Chronica Majora”, (the original of which now resides in the Parker Library of Corpis Christi College, Cambridge), in this work we find a drawing of an elephant on its back, with a caption stating that elephants lack knees.
The mechanics of Cow-tipping are simple enough. It’s common practice for participants to consume copious quantities of beer to train and prepare for a Cow-tipping session. The act itself simply involves walking up to the cow and pushing it over. It should be noted that a minimal amount of skill is required since gravity does most of the work for you.
A critical component addressed by every rehabilitation program is psychological dependence. This involves attempts to teach the patient new methods of coping with, and interacting within a sports-free environment. Cow-tipping fits the bill as a powerful tool of replacement therapy. It requires no sticks, bats, balls, nets, knee or elbow pads, courts, hoops, performance enhancing drugs, scantily clad cheer-leaders, or product endorsements. In fact, the only equipment needed for Cow-tipping are the following:
2 12-packs of beer
Boots–preferably rubber–(cow pastures are ripe with cow-pies and your boots may need a hosing down).
Wire-cutters and a flashlight
Given a willingness to practice, in conjunction with a Cognitive Therapy Program, most Sports Junkies can successfully kick their habit and become productive Cow-tippers.
The knowledge of some simple precautions will ensure that your Cow-tipping excursions will be safe, accident-free, and enjoyable. The basics are listed below:
Do not wear red–bulls may be in the area
Do not make friends with the cow–you are there to TIP the cow, not buy it a drink
If a fence is buzzing, do not attempt to cut it–unless you want frizzy hair for a few days
A buzzing fence means electricity–DO NOT attempt to relieve yourself on it. I have seen this happen and it is NOT a pretty sight
Unfortunately, there is a segment of our society that frowns on Cow-tipping and is trying to take measures to curb this activity. Farmers, fearing harm to their cows, are attempting to breed a bouncy cow. When tipped this breed would bounce back and forth, much like those inflatable clowns. The result would be Cow-tippers getting smacked by 100%–USDA inspected beef. Several states have introduced legislation to prohibit this dangerous alteration of the bovine DNA.
Extensive research has uncovered only one documented case of human injury. In January 2009, in Boulder, Colorado a cow reportedly knocked a women off of her bicycle and stepped on her legs. I think that most people would agree that this incident would more accurately be classified as a case of a “Cow engaging in People-tipping”.
A massive campaign to promote Cow-tipping could free our people from the scourge of sport fanaticism. From preschool through college educational programs promoting the benefits of Cow-tipping could give the next generation a chance to “Just Say No”” to sporting fanaticism. The moment is ripe to get our priorities in order.