COW-TIPPING: A WHOLESOME ALTERNATIVE TO SPORT MONOMANIA

DIY COW TIPPING FOR ALL AGES


For years, there has been an elephant in our nation’s living-room. Despite its looming presence, we have buried our head in the sand and chosen to ignore it. But now the stench of its steaming excrement, filling the room, is making our blissful ignorance impossible. Our beast is a malignant obsession with sports, ravishing the souls of our citizens, leaving them fetish ridden, abused, and addicted, in a realm of fantasy. Its reach is insidious, attacking our weakest brothers and sisters—those who find it impossible to entertain themselves.

OUR NATION'S LIVING ROOMS

Billions of dollars are spent on brainwashing the naive, indoctrinating them with the belief that children’s games-(played by adults, otherwise unable to do much else)-should be our primary focus, and purpose for living in this troubled world. The results are lost souls, driven to such moronic exhibitions of “team spirit”, that a shows such as, “Jackass”, would be reluctant to consider them for possible contestants on their program.

To put it bluntly, those that worship before the golden calf of sport have been duped. The sacred cow’s thin veneer of gold flakes away revealing paper-mache, hollow, filled with nothing but gluttony, excess, and greed.

But there is hope. Rehabilitation through Cow-tipping is a promising path to the recovery of mental health. Cow-tipping is an art in itself, the origins of which, have been lost in the shadows and mists of time. However, we can find historical evidence of possible antecedents.

In 1255, Louis IX of France gave an elephant to Henry III of England–an addition to the zoo he maintained in the Tower of London. A contemporary historian of the time, Mathew Paris, drew from life for his work, “Chronica Majora”, (the original of which now resides in the Parker Library of Corpis Christi College, Cambridge), in this work we find a drawing of an elephant on its back, with a caption stating that elephants lack knees.

The mechanics of Cow-tipping are simple enough. It’s common practice for participants to consume copious quantities of beer to train and prepare for a Cow-tipping session. The act itself simply involves walking up to the cow and pushing it over. It should be noted that a minimal amount of skill is required since gravity does most of the work for you.

A critical component addressed by every rehabilitation program is psychological dependence. This involves attempts to teach the patient new methods of coping with, and interacting within a sports-free environment. Cow-tipping fits the bill as a powerful tool of replacement therapy. It requires no sticks, bats, balls, nets, knee or elbow pads, courts, hoops, performance enhancing drugs, scantily clad cheer-leaders, or product endorsements. In fact, the only equipment needed for Cow-tipping are the following:

2 12-packs of beer

NOT JUST FOR SPORTING EVENTS

Black clothing

Boots–preferably rubber–(cow pastures are ripe with cow-pies and your boots may need a hosing down).

Wire-cutters and a flashlight

Given a willingness to practice, in conjunction with a Cognitive Therapy Program, most Sports Junkies can successfully kick their habit and become productive Cow-tippers.

The knowledge of some simple precautions will ensure that your Cow-tipping excursions will be safe, accident-free, and enjoyable. The basics are listed below:

Do not wear red–bulls may be in the area

Do not make friends with the cow–you are there to TIP the cow, not buy it a drink

If a fence is buzzing, do not attempt to cut it–unless you want frizzy hair for a few days

A buzzing fence means electricity–DO NOT attempt to relieve yourself on it. I have seen this happen and it is NOT a pretty sight

Unfortunately, there is a segment of our society that frowns on Cow-tipping and is trying to take measures to curb this activity. Farmers, fearing harm to their cows, are attempting to breed a bouncy cow. When tipped this breed would bounce back and forth, much like those inflatable clowns. The result would be Cow-tippers getting smacked by 100%–USDA inspected beef. Several states have introduced legislation to prohibit this dangerous alteration of the bovine DNA.

Extensive research has uncovered only one documented case of human injury. In January 2009, in Boulder, Colorado a cow reportedly knocked a women off of her bicycle and stepped on her legs. I think that most people would agree that this incident would more accurately be classified as a case of a “Cow engaging in People-tipping”.

A massive campaign to promote Cow-tipping could free our people from the scourge of sport fanaticism. From preschool through college educational programs promoting the benefits of Cow-tipping could give the next generation a chance to “Just Say No”” to sporting fanaticism. The moment is ripe to get our priorities in order.

COGNITIVE DISSONANCE

Great Disappointment

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Part of a series on
Adventism
William Miller

Background and history
Christianity · Protestantism
Anabaptists · Restorationism
Pietism · Millerites
Great Disappointment
Biographies
William Miller
Nelson H. Barbour · Joseph Bates
Sylvester Bliss · Jonathan Cummings
Elon Galusha · Apollos Hale
Joshua V. Himes · Charles F. Hudson
Josiah Litch · Rachel O. Preston
T. M. Preble · George Storrs
John T. Walsh · Jonas Wendell
Ellen G. White · James White
John Thomas
Theology
Annihilationism
Conditional immortality
Historicism · Intermediate state
Premillennialism
Denominations
Advent Christian Church
Christadelphians
Seventh-day Adventist Church
Church of God (Seventh-Day)
Church of God General Conference
Church of the Blessed Hope
Seventh Day Adventist Reform Mov’t
Davidian SDA (Shepherd’s Rod)
United Seventh-Day Brethren
Branch Davidian
Primitive Advent Christian Church

The Great Disappointment was a major event in the history of the Millerite movement, a 19th century American Christian sect that formed out of the Second Great Awakening. William Miller, a Baptist preacher, proposed based on his interpretations of the prophecies in the book of Daniel (Chapters 8 and 9, especially Dan. 8:14 “Unto two thousand and three hundred days; then shall the sanctuary be cleansed”), that Jesus Christ would return to the earth during the year 1844. A more specific date, that of October 22, 1844, was preached by Samuel S. Snow. Although thousands of followers, some of whom had given away all of their possessions, waited expectantly, Jesus did not appear as expected on the appointed day and as a result October 22, 1844, became known as the Great Disappointment.

Contents

William Miller

Between 1831 and 1844, on the basis of his study of the Bible, and particularly the prophecy of Daniel 8:14—”Unto two thousand and three hundred days; then shall the sanctuary be cleansed,”—William Miller, a Baptist preacher, predicted and preached the imminent return of Jesus Christ to the earth. He first assumed that the cleansing of the sanctuary represented purification of the Earth by fire at Christ’s Second Coming. Then, using an interpretive principle known as the “day-year principle“, Miller, along with others, interpreted a prophetic day to read not as a 24-hour period, but rather as a calendar year. Further, Miller became convinced that the 2,300 day period started in 457 B.C. with the decree to rebuild Jerusalem by Artaxerxes I of Persia. Simple calculation then revealed that this period would end—and hence Christ’s return occur—in 1843.

Despite the urging of his supporters, Miller never personally announced an exact date for the expected Second Advent. However, in response to their urgings he did narrow the time-period to sometime in the Jewish year 5604, stating: “My principles in brief, are, that Jesus Christ will come again to this earth, cleanse, purify, and take possession of the same, with all the saints, sometime between March 21, 1843 and March 21, 1844.”[1] March 21, 1844, passed without incident, but the majority of Millerites maintained their faith.[citation needed]

Miller’s interpretation of the 2300 day prophecy time line and its relation to the 70 week prophecy

Beginning of the 70 Weeks: The decree of Artaxerses in the 7th year of his reign (457 BC) as recorded in Ezra marks beginning of 70 weeks. King reigns were counted from New Year to New Year following an ‘Accession Year’. The Persian New Year began in Nisan (March–April). The Jewish civil New Year began in Tishri (September–October).

Further discussion and study resulted in the brief adoption of a new date—April 18, 1844, one based on the Karaite Jewish calendar (as opposed to the Rabbinic calendar).[2] Like the previous date, April 18 passed without Christ’s return. In the Advent Herald of April 24, Joshua Himes wrote that all the “expected and published time” had passed and admitted that they had been “mistaken in the precise time of the termination of the prophetic period”, while Josiah Litch surmised that they were probably “only in error relative to the event which marked its close.” Miller also responded publicly, addressing a letter “To Second Advent Believers,” and writing “I confess my error, and acknowledge my disappointment; yet I still believe that the day of the Lord is near, even at the door.”[3]

In August 1844 at a camp-meeting in Exeter, New Hampshire, Samuel S. Snow presented his own interpretation, what became known as the “seventh-month message” or the “true midnight cry”. In a complex discussion based on scriptural typology, Snow presented his conclusion (still based on the 2300 day prophecy in Daniel 8:14), that Christ would return on, “the tenth day of the seventh month of the present year, 1844”.[4] Again using the calendar of the Karaite Jews, this date was determined to be October 22, 1844. This “seventh-month message” “spread with a rapidity unparalleled in the Millerites experience” amongst the general population.[citation needed]

October 22, 1844

1843 prophetic chart illustrating multiple interpretations of prophecy yielding the year 1843

The sun rose on the morning of October 22 as on any other day, and October 22 passed without incident, resulting in feelings of disappointment among many Millerites. Henry Emmons, a Millerite, later wrote,

“I waited all Tuesday [October 22] and dear Jesus did not come;– I waited all the forenoon of Wednesday, and was well in body as I ever was, but after 12 o’clock I began to feel faint, and before dark I needed someone to help me up to my chamber, as my natural strength was leaving me very fast, and I lay prostrate for 2 days without any pain– sick with disappointment.”[5]

William Miller continued to wait for the second coming of Jesus Christ until his death in 1849.[citation needed]

Repercussions

Not only were the Millerites dealing with their own shattered expectations, they also faced considerable criticism and even violence from the general public. On November 18, 1844, Miller wrote to Himes about his experiences:

“Some are tauntingly enquiring, ‘Have you not gone up?’ Even little children in the streets are shouting continually to passersby, ‘Have you a ticket to go up?’ The public prints, of the most fashionable and popular kind…are caricaturing in the most shameful manner of the ‘white robes of the saints,’ Revelation 6:11, the ‘going up,’ and the great day of ‘burning.’ Even the pulpits are desecrated by the repetition of scandalous and false reports concerning the ‘ascension robes’, and priests are using their powers and pens to fill the catalogue of scoffing in the most scandalous periodicals of the day.”[6]

There were also the instances of violence—a Millerite church burned in Ithaca and two vandalized in Dansville and Scottsville. In Loraine, a mob attacked the Millerite congregation with clubs and knives, while a group in Toronto was tarred and feathered. Shots were fired at another Canadian group meeting in a private house.[7]

Both Millerite leaders and followers were left generally bewildered and disillusioned. Responses varied: some continued to look daily for Christ’s return, others predicted different dates—among them April, July, and October 1845. Some theorized that the world had entered the seventh millennium—the “Great Sabbath,” and that therefore, the saved should not work. Others acted as children, basing their belief on Jesus’ words in Mark 10:15 “Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.” Millerite O. J. D. Pickands used Revelation to teach that Christ was now sitting on a white cloud, and must be prayed down. Probably the majority however, simply gave up their beliefs and attempted to rebuild their lives. Some members rejoined their previous denominations. A substantial number joined the Shakers.[8]

By mid-1845, doctrinal lines amongst the various Millerite groups began to solidify and the groups emphasized their differences, in a process George R. Knight terms “sect building.” During this time there were three main Millerite groups—in addition to those who had simply given up their beliefs.[9]

The first major division of the Millerite groups who had not completely given up their belief in Christ’s Second Advent were those who focused on the “shut-door” belief. This belief was popularized by Joseph Turner and was based on that key Millerite passage: Matthew 25:1-13—the parable of the ten virgins.[10] The shut door mentioned in Matthew 25:11-12 was interpreted as the close of probation. As Knight explains, “After the door was shut, there would be no additional salvation. The wise virgins (true believers) would be in the kingdom, while the foolish virgins and all others would be on the outside.”[11]

The widespread acceptance of the “shut-door” belief lost ground as doubts were raised about the significance of the October 22, 1844 date—if nothing happened on that date, then there could be no shut door. The opposition to these “shut-door” beliefs was led by Joshua Himes and make up the second post-1844 group. This faction soon gained the upper hand, even converting Miller to their point of view. Their influence was enhanced by the staging of the Albany Conference. The Advent Christian Church has its roots in this post-Great Disappointment group.

The third major post-disappointment Millerite group also claimed, like the Hale and Turner led group, that the October 22 date was correct. Rather than Christ returning invisibly, however, they came to view the event that took place on October 22, 1844 having been quite different. The theology of this third group appears to have had its beginnings as early as October 23, 1844—the day after the Great Disappointment. On that day, during a prayer session with a group of Advent believers, Hiram Edson became convinced that “light would be given” and their “disappointment explained.”[12] Edson’s experience led him into an extended study on the topic with O. R. L. Crosier and F. B. Hahn. They came to the conclusion that Miller’s assumption that the sanctuary represented the Earth was in error. “The sanctuary to be cleansed in Daniel 8:14 was not the earth or the church, but the sanctuary in heaven.”[13] Therefore, the October 22 date marked not the Second Coming of Christ, but rather a heavenly event. Out of this third group arose the Seventh-day Adventist Church and this interpretation of the Great Disappointment forms the basis for the Seventh-day Adventist doctrine of the pre-Advent Divine Investigative Judgement. Their interpretations were published in early 1845 in the Day Dawn.

Other views

Psychological perspective

The Great Disappointment is viewed by some scholars as an example of the psychological phenomenon of cognitive dissonance.[14] The theory was proposed by Leon Festinger to describe the formation of new beliefs and increased proselytizing in order to reduce the tension, or dissonance, that results from failed prophecies.[15] According to the theory, believers experienced tension following the failure of Jesus’ reappearance in 1844 which led to a variety of new explanations. The various solutions form a part of the teachings of the different groups that outlived the disappointment.

Bahá’í

Members of the Bahá’í Faith believe that Miller’s interpretation of signs and dates of the coming of Jesus were, for the most part, correct.[16] They believe that the fulfillment of biblical prophecies of the coming of Christ came through a forerunner of their own religion, the Báb, who declared that he was the “Promised One” on May 23, 1844, and began openly teaching in Persia (Iran) in October 1844.[17] Several Bahá’í books and pamphlets make mention of the Millerites, the prophecies used by Miller and the Great Disappointment, most notably William SearsThief in the Night.[18][19][20]

See also

References

  1. ^ William to Joshua V. Himes, February 4, 1844.
  2. ^ George R. Knight, Millennial Fever and the End of the World, Boise, ID: Pacific Press, 1993, 163-164.
  3. ^ Sylvester Bliss, Memoirs of William Miller, Boston: Joshua V. Himes, 1853, 256.
  4. ^ Samuel S. Snow, The Advent Herald, August 21, 1844, 20.
  5. ^ Quoted in George R. Knight, Millennial Fever and the End of the World, Boise, ID: Pacific Press, 1993, 217-218.
  6. ^ James White, Sketches of the Christian Life and Public Labors of William Miller: Gathered From His Memoir by the Late Sylvester Bliss, and From Other Sources, Battle Creek: Steam Press of the Seventh-day Adventist Publishing Association, 1875, 310.
  7. ^ George R. Knight, Millennial Fever and the End of the World, Boise, ID: Pacific Press, 1993, 222-223.
  8. ^ Whitney R. Cross, The Burned-over District: A Social and Intellectual History of Enthusiastic Religion in Western New York, Ithaca, NY: Cornell University Press, 1950, 310.
  9. ^ George R. Knight, Millennial Fever and the End of the World, Boise, ID: Pacific Press, 1993, 232.
  10. ^ Everett N. Dick, William Miller and the Advent Crisis Berrien Springs: [Andrews University] Press, 1994, 25.
  11. ^ George R. Knight, Millennial Fever and the End of the World, Boise, ID: Pacific Press, 1993, 236.
  12. ^ George R. Knight, Millennial Fever and the End of the World, Boise, ID: Pacific Press, 1993, 305.
  13. ^ George R. Knight, Millennial Fever and the End of the World, Boise, ID: Pacific Press, 1993, 305-306.
  14. ^ O’Leary, Stephen (2000). “When Prophecy Fails and When it Succeeds: Apocalyptic Prediction and Re-Entry into Ordinary Time”. In Albert I. Baumgarten (ed.). Apocalyptic Time. Brill Publishers. pp. 356. ISBN 9004118799. “Examining Millerite accounts of the Great Disappointment, it is clear that Festinger’s theory of cognitive dissonance is relevant to the experience of this apocalyptic movement.”
  15. ^ James T. Richardson. “Encyclopedia of Religion and Society: Cognitive Dissonance”. Hartland Institute. Retrieved 2006-07-09.
  16. ^ Momen, Moojan (1992). “Fundamentalism and Liberalism: towards an understanding of the dichotomy”. Bahá’í Studies Review 2 (1).
  17. ^ Hatcher, William S. and Martin, J. Douglas (1998). The Bahá’í Faith: The Emerging Global Religion. Wilmette, Illinois, USA: Bahá’í Publishing Trust. ISBN 0-87743-264-3.
  18. ^ Sears, William (1961). Thief in the Night. London: George Ronald. ISBN 0-85398-008-X.
  19. ^ Bowers, Kenneth E. (2004). God Speaks Again: An Introduction to the Bahá’í Faith. Baha’i Publishing Trust. pp. 12. ISBN 1931847126.
  20. ^ Motlagh, Hushidar Hugh (1992). I Shall Come Again (The Great Disappointment ed.). Mt. Pleasant, MI: Global Perspective. pp. 205–213. ISBN 0-937661-01-5.

External links

SNOW IN APRIL

19 APRIL 2011—Waterloo, Iowa Forecast

Today: Snow before 1pm, then rain and snow. Some thunder is also possible. High near 37. Windy, with a east northeast wind around 21 mph, with gusts as high as 29 mph. Chance of precipitation is 100%. Total daytime snow accumulation of 1 to 3 inches possible.

—–IN IOWA, YOU CAN EXPERIENCE A 165 Degree, TEMPERATURE RANGE THROUGH-OUT THE YEAR

The record low temperature for the state is –47°F (–44°C), established at Washta on 12 January 1912 and recorded again on Elkader on 3 February 1996; the record high is 118°F (48°C), registered at Keokuk on 20 July 1934.

Thundersnow, also known as a winter thunderstorm or a thunder snowstorm, is a relatively rare kind of thunderstorm with snow falling as the primary precipitation instead of rain. It typically falls in regions of strong upward motion within the cold sector of an extratropical cyclone, where the precipitation consists of ice pellets rather than snow. Thermodynamically, it is not different from any other type of thunderstorms but the top of the cumulonimbus are usually quite low.

HOW THUNDERSNOW IS PRODUCED

One unique aspect of thundersnow is that the snowfall acts as an acoustic suppressor of the thunder. The thunder from a typical thunderstorm can be heard many miles away, while the thunder from thundersnow can usually only be heard within a two to three mile radius from the lightning. In the United States, March is their peak month of formation, and on average, only 6.3 events are reported per year.

—-For the United States, the extremes are 134 °F (56.7 °C) in Death Valley, California and −79.8 °F (−62.1 °C) recorded in Prospect Creek, Alaska.

—-The largest 2-minute temperature change of 49 °F (27.2 °C) occurred in Spearfish, South Dakota, a rise from -4 to 45 °F (-20 to 7.2 °C).

—-The largest recorded temperature change over a 24-hour period occurred on January 15, 1972 in Loma, Montana, when the temperature rose from -54 to 49 °F (-47.8 to 9.4 °C).

NEGATIVE CAPABILITY

Keats’ theory of “negative capability” was expressed in his letter to his brothers dated Sunday, 21 December 1817. He says [1]

I had not a dispute but a disquisition with Dilke, on various subjects; several things dovetailed in my mind, & at once it struck me, what quality went to form a Man of Achievement especially in literature & which Shakespeare possessed so enormously – I mean Negative Capability, that is when man is capable of being in uncertainties, Mysteries, doubts without any irritable reaching after fact & reason – Coleridge, for instance, would let go by a fine isolated verisimilitude caught from the Penetralium of mystery, from being incapable of remaining content with half knowledge. This pursued through Volumes would perhaps take us no further than this, that with a great poet the sense of Beauty overcomes every other consideration, or rather obliterates all consideration.

Keats believed that great people (especially poets) have the ability to accept that not everything can be resolved. Keats, as a Romantic, believed that the truths found in the imagination access holy authority. Such authority cannot otherwise be understood, and thus he writes of “uncertainties.” This “being in uncertaint[y]” is a place between the mundane, ready reality and the multiple potentials of a more fully understood existence.

PONDERING NEGATIVE CAPABILITY

NEGATIVE CAPABILITY GONE BAD